My birthday is this Saturday -- Halloween. To be clear, it is not "so cool" to be born on Halloween. Everyone needs a birthday of one's own, and I am forced to share mine with every single sniveling, fun-size candy grubbing brat. So, here's to those who have it worse. (It's a little Christian-centric, but I got no Ramadan or Purim rants.)
  1. Christmas Day
    While you may get more presents than the rest of your siblings, your Christmas + birthday presents < your siblings' Christmas + birthday presents. Plus, your parents probably named you Noel or Noelle.
  2. New Year's Day
    Same presents deficit as the Christmas Day baby, but your parents resent the fact that if you were just born a few hours earlier, they could claim you as a dependent on their taxes for the prior year.
  3. February 29
    You will have 1/4 the number of birthdays as the rest of the world and are, therefore, entitled to 1/4 the birthday celebrations. Your parents lie: March 1 is not your birthday. Also, you will age horribly. On my 10th birthday, I looked like a tween. On your 10th, you're gonna look like a 40-year old.
  4. Ground Hog Day
    "They say our love won't pay the rent..." Repeat every single time throughout your life that someone hears you were born on February 2.
  5. Independence Day
    You will never sit in the classroom birthday chair of honor, or suck up the adulation of your classmates as you pass out cupcakes that celebrate your very existence. The jingo and fireworks are no substitute.
  6. Easter
    Oh, you were BORN on Easter? Seems like your mother did all the work. Call me when you rise from the dead on Easter.
  7. Arbor Day
    You're pathetic and just looking for attention. I don't think they even observe Arbor Day in Arizona.