I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL

You can skip this list if you want to. I just need to write it out.
  1. I feel like shit. Last night I had a breakdown and I don't say that lightly.
  2. I was talking to several people about my plans (i.e. going to a six week publishing program at NYU this summer) and how I don't think it's the right move
  3. I mean, it's probably the right move eventually, but not right now when the program itself will drain my bank account and I'll have no money for food or life necessities
    Which my parents will loan me, but then I come out of this owing them hundreds if not over a thousand dollars, plus I'll be forced to move back home bc I will have $0
  4. And the boy I'm dating, bless him, was trying to explain the options to me, and that maybe not going is right, but maybe it's wrong. And maybe staying home is very wrong bc I'm romanticizing "the grind," thinking about how nice it would be to just work for a little while
    In a coffee shop or bookstore and write in my free time and not fucking WORRY about the mental shit I carry with me at my current job
  5. But I freaked out. I was trying to explain it to a friend and when I wrote it all out, I just stopped being able to function.
  6. Tuesday and Wednesday I was pretty much a blank slate. I hadn't been feeling much of anything at all, and then last night it all hit me. My chest was heavy I couldn't breathe I was crying
  7. I AM ALLOWED TO FEEL THIS WAY
  8. As someone who hasn't been diagnosed with any mental health issues (but also as someone who's never seen a therapist/psychologist/anything of the sort), I often tell myself mental breakdowns/panic attacks/anxiety attacks are for people who are struggling with diagnosed problems
    Not that I'm better than them, but that's it's THEIR thing bc THEY can feel justified in having these feelings—they have medication and people they pay to help them with these things
  9. I'm not allowed to go through this bc I don't have depression or anxiety or BPD or anything else
  10. But that is dumb and I can feel what I feel and I need to give myself a goddamn fucking break once in a while
  11. I went for a walk through my neighborhood at 1 AM and I didn't take my phone but I did take a cigarette and some soda, and it was cold and I thought but I didn't think and it was okay
  12. I set my alarm for three hours ago and I'm still in bed, but it's not the end of the world. I will get up and I will do what I have to do because I can. Even if I don't think I can, I can
  13. I'm writing this for me because I can't get out of bed and I'm beating myself up for it, but also because I need to write this down so it feels real and valid. It's not something I made up.
  14. I am okay. Or I will be.