1. I used to use list as a celebration when things were good, and an outlet when things were bad. So here we go.
  2. New York is incredible. I haven't been enjoying it as much as I'd like to, bc I have no income and I'm constantly in class, but just living here is giving me such an energy. I know why people romanticize this city so much.
  3. But I'm terribly drained, from my program and my strained relationship and the news of this past weekend.
  4. I feel like yesterday didn't even happen. Time stopped and I spent the whole day refreshing Twitter, reading updates and articles and stats, crying intermittently.
  5. This isn't "just another mass shooting" (which is maybe the grossest statement). It was an attack on the LGBTQ+ community, and the Latino community. In a safe space.
    I know we all know this already, but I just...can't get past it. The hate I've seen online has been tremendously heartbreaking, but the love I've seen has been more than uplifting. I'm so conflicted.
  6. At the same time as all of these emotions, I'm also debating what to do about the long distance thing I've entered into, and I know I have to address it, and I'm just so. exhausted.
    Communication isn't working. Visits have fallen through. There's no concrete plan for a visit from him. I'm seeing no effort.
  7. My program is amazing and informative and packed with crazy insider tips, but the group project is incredibly demanding and it's due on Thursday.
  8. I just don't even want to go on right now.
    Note: I am not suicidal. Just tired. Just done. Just...idk
  9. I wish I could sleep for a couple of weeks. When I first got here, the rush of new people, new classes, and the new location gave me enough energy to keep going, and distracted me from any other issues in life.
  10. Now I'm worried about getting a job when this is over, if it's feasible that I can move here if I do, if I should put effort into fixing this thing with my bf or if I should leave it at home and move on, if going to pride is still a good idea (this is the only one I'm almost positive about).
  11. I'm sorry about this list, but I've looked to you all for support and inspiration in the past, and you've always been amazing and I'm feeling weak and exhausted now.
  12. Thank you guys for being here.