The editor of The Paris Review told us today that he can think in 300-word book reviews. Here's my take on that.
  1. BRAS: What's the point of these? I used them for ten years, but as soon as I got rid of this product, my quality of life improved. To people with boobs: if you need bras because you have back problems, go on with your bad self. If you DON'T, throw them out. You deserve to be free.
  2. WEARING HEELS IN NEW YORK: Alright, I know there are some necessary evils in life, but this just seems gratuitous. Getting your skinny three inch heel stuck in a subway grate is about the most physical representation of wishing for death that I can think of.
  3. CHEST ACNE: Where did this shit come from? How do I get rid of it? Why is the eye immediately drawn to the ridiculous number of red dots contrasting with my paper white skin? Help.
  4. SHAKE SHACK: We at @lame's account have heard a boatload of good press about Shake Shack, and as cynical beings, we didn't really buy it. We must apologize for our ignorance. Shake Shack burgers are life-changing. The buns are soft and addictive. What's in the sauce? Some sort of opiate? The fries are crinkly, but crisp and delicious. 10/10
  5. LOVE: We've heard a lot about love over the past hundred years or so, and I think it's safe to say the bar was too high. The fuzzy feeling in your stomach is enjoyable, and being able to kiss a beautiful face whenever you want is certainly ideal, but I don't recommend the gut-wrenching pain of falling out of it. If you use this product, be cautious
  6. REVIEWS: It's kind of a conceited form of story-telling, isn't it? Here's something we all know about, whether by word-of-mouth or firsthand, but I think you should take precious time out of your day to read MY opinion on it. I'M important. God, I mean, how meta is it to review reviews? Who's to say, but you've taken the time to read it, so I win