1. Harry lives in a broom closet with his evil step mother.
  2. His real mother was killed by Voldemort, who gave him a wicked awesome scar ⚡️⚡️⚡️
  3. One day an owl shows up and shape shifts vampire-style into the giant from Big Fish.
    His name is Hagrid?
  4. "You're a wizard, Harry." -Hagrid
  5. Harry goes tuition free to wizard school because wizard land is progressive as hell.
  6. He meets feminist icon Emma Watson and a redhead named Ron Stoppable. They all become instant besties.
  7. Emma Watson plays Emma Watson.
  8. Cue some jokes about Ron being a goof. Get it together, Ron!
  9. There's an emo professor named Snape and a crazy cat lady. They're a couple?
  10. Draco is a bully.
  11. Everyone gets segregated because it turns out wizard land isn't as progressive as everyone thought.
  12. Harry becomes the quarterback of the school broom team and loses his virginity to Myrtle. Everything seems to be going well.
  13. Voldemort shows up to kill Harry because ???????????? He's the chosen one maybe?
  14. (end of first movie)
  15. (there's like seven more movies)
    Idk what goes on in ANY of these. Emo professor cheats on cat professor with Harry's mom? But I thought she was dead? Something about a diary? Harry can speak to snakes? Chitty Chitty bang bang makes a brief cameo. Wizards walk through brick walls sometimes. Paintings talk... Ooh! Harry ends up with Ron Stoppable's sister, I know that. (Uncool, Harry. Respect the bro code.) Expelliarmus! Muggle! Abra Cadabra!
  16. Harry and the gang defeat Voldemort!!!!!