If I Were Mayor of Los Angeles

  1. No permit parking on Beachwood Canyon
    Fuck you and your fucking permits ya fucking fucks. If you don't want tourists, don't live a block from the Hollywood sign. This is rude. Fuck ya'll. It was here before you and it'll be here after you.
  2. Mandatory Meatless Days/Regulated Meat Sales
    You want to make an actual impact in water conservation? Cut down your fucking meat consumption. Not trying to be preachy just trying to give ya some facts. 600+ gallons of water is used to produce one hamburger. 23 gallons of water is used to produce one serving of almonds. Stop spewing your politics at the almond industry. Your shower that's been shortened by a few minutes isn't doing much. It's the fucking meat ya turds.
  3. No uber/lyft surging
    Fuck this shit. You wanna drive in LA ya gotta play by my rules. The price is the same no matter the time or day or location.
  4. Uber and Lyft can pick up at the airport
    Fuuuuccckkkkk yoouuuuu stupid LAX I don't want to take a fucking cab or a van or wait for someone to pick me up.
  5. More visible cellphone waiting lot at LAX
    Where the fuck is this thing? Is it a myth? There's one sign with some arrow pointing in some super general direction but that's it. No where to wait if you get to the airport early when picking someone up.
  6. No one is allowed to ask me to pick them up from the airport.
    This cancels out the previous point but don't ask me to pick you up for the airport. Don't ask anyone. Only private cars and ubers/lyfts. No cabs. No vans. No hotel shuttles.
  7. Parking authority can't sit and wait at a location for the signs to be relevant
    You gotta keep driving. You're not allowed to fucking sit there and wait for it to turn 8 am. Get a life. Contribute something positive to society.
  8. Address the homeless situation
    Maybe I'm naive but this seems like a simple fix. More safe and clean shelters. Free health care, both mental and physical, including drug and alcohol addictions. Help them learn skills or get an education or give them city jobs. I know this is naive but there's no way this issue is as difficult to address as everyone wants to pretends it is.
  9. No paparazzi
    No paparazzi. This is fucking creepy. You're a fucking loser. This also include tourists and fans who take pictures OF celebs. You can ask them for a picture but ya can't be a creep.
  10. Michael B Jordan is in every movie and he's shirtless in all of them.
    Pretty self explanatory.
  11. No "proud to announce" Facebook posts.
    Them's the rules.