THINGS THAT I CAN GUARANTEE ARE ON TV RIGHT NOW

No matter the time or day
  1. A Friends re-run
    If you're lucky it'll be the Thanksgiving special where Brad Pitt guest stars. Or any of the ones where Monica's dating Richard.
  2. One of the Twilight movies
    Because at what time of day is Bella not being moody and melodramatic. And probably fetal while staring out of a window.
  3. An infomercial where someone's yelling at you
    TRY OXICLEAN RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE F**K HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 26 YEARS WITHOUT OXICLEAN IN YOUR HOME? NOTHING GOOD I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
  4. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
    He's always cooking something or other.
  5. A man finding out he's not the father
    Followed immediately by shock and tears. Or a touchdown dance. Either way.
  6. Something religious
    I wish I could say more about this but the only time I've ever turned it on was as a child. I'd turn on God tv any and every time I wanted the channel changed but was too lazy to do it myself. Worked like a charm on my sister.
  7. A Harry Potter marathon
    This one is he best because you can rely on it to get you through absolutely anything. Breakups, hangovers, not getting into Hogwarts, you name it.