THINGS THAT I CAN GUARANTEE ARE ON TV RIGHT NOW
No matter the time or day
- •A Friends re-runIf you're lucky it'll be the Thanksgiving special where Brad Pitt guest stars. Or any of the ones where Monica's dating Richard.
- •One of the Twilight moviesBecause at what time of day is Bella not being moody and melodramatic. And probably fetal while staring out of a window.
- •An infomercial where someone's yelling at youTRY OXICLEAN RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE F**K HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 26 YEARS WITHOUT OXICLEAN IN YOUR HOME? NOTHING GOOD I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
- •Dwayne "The Rock" JohnsonHe's always cooking something or other.
- •A man finding out he's not the fatherFollowed immediately by shock and tears. Or a touchdown dance. Either way.
- •Something religiousI wish I could say more about this but the only time I've ever turned it on was as a child. I'd turn on God tv any and every time I wanted the channel changed but was too lazy to do it myself. Worked like a charm on my sister.
- •A Harry Potter marathonThis one is he best because you can rely on it to get you through absolutely anything. Breakups, hangovers, not getting into Hogwarts, you name it.