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(100% are medically exempt from fighting due to flat feet and/or tendency to over-zealous masturbation.)
  1. Vice Newsreel Reporter
    Got a Navy tattoo of an interracial mermaid on assignment in the South Pacific and now has hepatitis. Is extremely charismatic, which is, unfortunately, very attractive.
  2. Propaganda Office Copywriter
    Has “Loose Lips Sink Ships” in his portfolio but actually was only an intern on that project.
  3. Content Creator for Stars & Stripes Magazine
    Stationed in Brooklyn, this fearless warrior writes humorous army jokes & word search puzzles. The pin-up girl in his office doesn't look at all like me.
  4. Wartime Production Machinist
    Mostly because he appreciates the aesthetic of Carhartt work clothes.
There is a fine line between close reading and being the InfoWars of English literature, and I want to explore it.
  1. Lady Anne de Bourgh is so sickly because she is a victim of Münchausen syndrome by proxy at the hands of Lady Catherine in Pride and Prejudice.
    I explored this in-depth in a Medium article and I'm anticipating a lot of positive feedback from Austen scholars everywhere.
  2. Charlotte Lucas in P&P is so happy being married to Mr. Collins because she plans to eventually murder him.
    This is laid out pretty clearly in the novel, and it makes you respect her character SO much more.
  3. Captain Wentworth from Persuasion is the hottest Austen love interest.
    I mean, DEF. This guy was a naval war hero and you just know his abs are super defined. He probably has a cool sailor tattoo, too.
2 more...
Hi, I'm sorry I can't respond to your message right now...
  1. I'm not "busy" per se, but I'm extremely preoccupied with the minutae of my own life and also with the new season of Fargo and I forgot I was single.
  2. I am taking some time off from dating on this app so I can focus on personal growth, and also, dating on another app, which I've arbitrarily decided is better.
    *It's not.
  3. I was swiping while tired, drunk or emotionally vulnerable and ultimately fell asleep and/or into a pit of despair before responding to any messages. I will likely forget that this whole incident ever happened.
  4. I can't currently be bothered, but stay tuned and you may hear from me next time I am in an Uber or in line at the DMV.
    💘love happens when u least expect it, like when you're swiping on the toilet 💘
Because "conspicuous consumption" doesn't always mean coughing yourself to death!
  1. Claire's Fripperies
  2. Queen Victoria's Secret
  3. Top Hat Shop
10 more...
  1. Yes, go ahead, dump a nice big load of my face wash onto your rough peasant face, you piece of filth.
  2. My heirloom carrot seed oil and rose hip extract facial cleanser was definitely meant to be dolloped indiscriminately all over your coarse man skin.
  3. Is that truly how you define a dime-sized amount?
13 more...
  1. "Years later, wondering if it was statutory rape - or something more"
    By Susan Perkins, from "Big"
  2. "Skipping class, but attending to romance"
    By Sloan Peterson, from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
  3. "When sex has a cost, so does love"
    By Lana from "Risky Business"
3 more...
  1. The Blind Penis
    This penis doesn't know what you look like - it is aroused exclusively by your great personality.
  2. The Wise Penis
    This philosophical penis understands the element of human folly in all sexual desires. It isn't great at sex but it gives thoughtful advice.
  3. The Silent Penis
    The silent penis does not seek to undermine you with words, or to muffle you with its own need for attention. This penis just listens, quietly and thoughtfully. Sometimes you get the feeling it's actually sleeping though.
4 more...
  1. A heated toilet seat
  2. A sense of personal validation from your peer group
  3. Simultaneous orgasms
7 more...
  1. [Mailer Daemon] DELIVERY FAILED. Your message was not delivered because the recipient's inbox is full of invitations to fun parties, requests for autographs and congratulatory e-cards that are actually really thoughtful, and one is even from that one guy everyone likes from college. (That guy has done so well for himself, right?)
    Please seek out the recipient in real life! She frequents the outdoors and luxuriously wall-papered restaurants. You'll notice she has a carefree air and a glowing complexion.
  2. At the advice of my personal yoga trainer/in-house chakra spiritualist, I no longer use a personal email account. If you would like to get in touch, please send a note on a vintage postcard (1940's preferred) addressed to my mother.
    She will have my dad read it aloud to her with his reading glasses on, and will convey the key details to me via lenghty voicemails in between bridge tournaments.
  3. Hi! Thanks for your message. I'm out of the office on vacation, and will, in all honesty, probably not get back to you. I recently realized all my personal and professional dreams, and don't really feel like your email is important for me. Cheers!
  1. High-Spirited Jewish Girls Who Think They Are Hilarious and The Men Who Love Them
  2. Only Children Seeking Middle and Oldest Siblings.
  3. Corgi Owners Only
7 more...