Automatic Email Replies for Your New, Better Life

  1. [Mailer Daemon] DELIVERY FAILED. Your message was not delivered because the recipient's inbox is full of invitations to fun parties, requests for autographs and congratulatory e-cards that are actually really thoughtful, and one is even from that one guy everyone likes from college. (That guy has done so well for himself, right?)
    Please seek out the recipient in real life! She frequents the outdoors and luxuriously wall-papered restaurants. You'll notice she has a carefree air and a glowing complexion.
  2. At the advice of my personal yoga trainer/in-house chakra spiritualist, I no longer use a personal email account. If you would like to get in touch, please send a note on a vintage postcard (1940's preferred) addressed to my mother.
    She will have my dad read it aloud to her with his reading glasses on, and will convey the key details to me via lenghty voicemails in between bridge tournaments.
  3. Hi! Thanks for your message. I'm out of the office on vacation, and will, in all honesty, probably not get back to you. I recently realized all my personal and professional dreams, and don't really feel like your email is important for me. Cheers!