COCKROACHGATE 2016: The Impossible True Story

  1. It's Sunday morning. I awake to a text from my roommate: There's a cockroach in the bathtub and this is a CODE ORANGE LEVEL TERROR THREAT.
    Cockroach not pictured to protect the innocent.
  2. Phase 1 begins:
    I avoid the problem.
  3. Phase 1 lasts most of the day.
  4. Phase 2 begins: I make moves to address the problem. This involves calling my dad.
    He is not helpful.
  5. Phase 2 continues: I attempt to approach the cockroach, as an exploratory fact-finding measure.
    I have not actually seen it, and I am equally afraid of it still being in the bathtub, and of it not being in the bathtub.
  6. Phase 3: Retreat
    RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT
  7. THREAT LEVEL IS NOW CODE RED
    🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
  8. Phase 4: Blind panic
    No one can help me. I am all alone with the cockroach. And the cockroach is winning.
  9. Consider lighting bathroom on fire
  10. WAS THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS OPENED
    Apparently the cockroach came from the pipes underneath the sink: signs point to yes.
  11. Possible solution????
    "I'm in an emotional hostage situation with a prehistoric bug, but open to casual dating!"
  12. Phase 6: Assemble a mercenary cockroach task force
    Assess, with roommate who is now home, the personal monetary value of having the cockroach removed. Value aligned on is: $30.
  13. Task force takes ~40 minutes to asssemble
    Caleb is not impressed with us, and wants to know why we have not asked someone to do this for free.
  14. Caleb really knows how to hit you right where you are most vulnerable.
  15. Phase 7: THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN IS VANQUISHED
  16. Soon To Be a Major Motion Picture!
  17. Epilogue: we are moving past some residual trauma related to the use of the bathtub and sink, and my dad said "you should be ashamed of yourselves." But we made it through a stressful emotional journey and are stronger for it.
    Most importantly, we have learned that I would not survive in New York.