Act now, these offers are timed to expire with my ovaries!
  1. Entry Level Package ⭐️
    Text responses within 2 hours. No sexts but will send 30 Rock .gifs and unsolicited advice. Will bring you a moderately priced six-pack if one of our dates awkwardly falls on your birthday. I get to make 75 percent of Netflix decisions but will make you feel like your opinion is valued in the selection process. 0-25% of overnight stays at your place, depending on how much beard hair is in your sink.
  2. Gold Level Dating ⭐️⭐️
    Above package PLUS: Will listen to you talk about a sport for 1 hour a week. Will watch up to 25 minutes of a video game, in exchange for an exhaustive compliment delivery schedule. We split all the bills, but I pick two thirds of the restaurants. 40% of overnight stays at your place.
  3. Platinum Level Dating ⭐️⭐️⭐️
    Above packages PLUS: Comprehensive sexting package, low-guilt pet-sitting, high tolerance of lame friends and roommates, limited complaining about quality of your mattress. 60% of overnight stays at your place.
  4. VIP Experience ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
    Above packages PLUS: Blow-job wake ups, removal of select emotional barriers, and will feign reduced need for constant attention and validation. Will remove nose ring when I meet your parents. Waxes on special occasions. 80% of overnight stays at your place.
  5. Don't forget to inquire about our Permanent V.I.P. Experience! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
    It only includes the Entry Level package, but child bearing is negotiable in exchange for fine jewelry.