Is An Outdoor Boyfriend Right for You?

Have you been looking to add a companion to your life? But felt held back by the responsibility and expense of finding, adopting and caring for a live-in boyfriend? Consider an Outdoor Boyfriend!
  1. Similar to outdoor pets, Outdoor Boyfriends are a low-maintenance alternative to a traditional boyfriend. They require only minimal feeding, low-to-moderate emotional commitment and pleasurable but sporadic interactions.
  2. Unlike traditional boyfriends, an Outdoor Boyfriend can be left mostly untrained, as their feral instincts will help them survive without your intervention.
  3. An Outdoor Boyfriend does not need to be introduced to friends, but can be Instagrammed lightly.
    However, tagging Outdoor Boyfriends on social media is not advised.
  4. Outdoor Boyfriends are not to be confused with even lower cost models like "fuck buddies," which tend to live under porches and in garbage cans, and must be frequently tested for rabies.
    NEVER attempt to feed a fuck buddy. It may become dependent on you for survival, and you'll have to vigorously ignore it for months before it goes away.
  5. To get an Outdoor Boyfriend, put compelling candidates in a breathable burlap sap and take them to your home. If they don't immediately urinate on your furniture, train the candidate to memorize your address and then let it roam free.
    Leave food on the back porch about once a week, or whenever you want to see your Outdoor Boyfriend.
  6. If you get tired of your Outdoor Boyfriend, the easiest way to get rid of them is to move without telling them.
    In some cases, an Outdoor Boyfriend can be upgraded to a regular boyfriend, but this may cause allergic reactions such as rashes, watery eyes and pregnancy.