Terms and Conditions For Your Breakup

Please read the below carefully and indicate your thorough understanding of the contractual obligations dictated by the breakup:
  1. It is understood that 'the dumped' party could have seen this coming, and that 'the dumping' party probably could have ended the initial relationship contract sooner.
    That neither party did anything about this earlier is a testament to the parties' phenomenal stupidity and laudable optimism.
  2. Communications from both parties in the immediate aftermath of the breakup are considered null and void, as they do not reflect the true feelings, best behavior or overall sanity, of the issuing party.
    Ill-advised missives sent in heats of rage, including emails, texts, phone calls, voice messages and passive aggressive Snapchat stories, cannot be submitted as evidence in court.
  3. Both 'the dumped' and 'the dumping' party feel they have been mistreated by the other party.
    Both parties are simultaneously slightly right and slightly wrong.
  4. Engaging with the social media posts of the other party, or the other party's friends, is allowable according to the terms of the contract.
    However, it is considered a breach of etiquette.
  5. The statute of limitations for publicly expressing feelings of victimization by the other party is equal to half the duration of the original relationship contract.
    Privately, there is no statute of limitations on feeling victimized.
  6. Digital tokens of the relationship, including passwords for media streaming services and selfies of a personal nature, may remain with the other party as a show of good faith.
    Each party will always know what the other party is watching on Hulu, a knowledge which is intimate, yet uninterpretable. Sort of like the whole relationship.
  7. Physical possessions, however, should be returned at the earliest possible convenience, ideally via a standard mail carrier.
    Unreturned possessions could result in Venmo charges and casual slandering on social media.
  8. Both parties are given permission to fantasize about re-encountering the other party by chance, at such a time when all their own flaws have been sloughed away, and their success and happiness is visible - even tangible.
    This scenario will never play out for either party.
  9. The parties acknowledge that, ipso facto, there must have a reason for the initial relationship contract.
    It is sometimes difficult to remember what it was, and other times not at all, but the fact that a reason existed is, statistically, remarkable.
  10. Select "Agree" to Proceed
    By selecting cancel, you acknowledge that you will do this whole thing again in two months.