The Five Minute Passover Sedar for Jews Who Have Disappointed Their Mothers

Perfect for Hebrew school drop outs, non-doctors and unmarried women.
  1. Bless the Non-Kosher Trader Joes Wine
    What, you couldn't find a kosher bottle? You live in Los Angeles for heavens sake. This is just like that time you "forgot" to bring your tallit to temple because you thought it didn't match your Limited Too dress.
  2. Start digging in to the good parts of the sedar plate (PARSLEY TO THE LEFT)
    You're not supposed to eat yet! Don't you have a Haggadah? Well, how are you doing a sedar? Don't tell me you're using Wikipedia. You're using Wikipedia aren't you.
  3. Tell the story of Passover, ideally by leaving the table and watching an illegal download of the Rugrats Passover special
    When I think of all the money we spent to have you Bat Mitzvah'd...
  4. Ask the four questions and consider whether you were the wicked child, the wise child, the simple child or the one who doesn't know to ask.
    You once told Rabbi Aaron that you "wished Jews could have Santa." You were the wicked child.
  5. Read out the ten plagues, and remember that this whole story is really just about how important the first born children are in Jewish culture
    Devorah is president of the Young Israelites of North Beverly Hills, and you're still watching Rugrats.
  6. After the feast, decide to just go to Coachella weekend 2 next year instead of doing this Sedar thing. Cutting out gluten and wandering around the desert for a few days pretty much IS Passover.
    Can't you take anything seriously?! THIS is why you were expelled from Hebrew High.