THE MOST EMBARRASSING THINGS I'VE EVER DONE

  1. Mass poisoning a nursing home
    When you go caroling as a Girl Scout and mistake homemade bars of soap for white chocolate, and then the seniors eat the soap. Probably killed someone
  2. Singing the lead of "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof in front of a gym full of 8th grade bullies
    I wore a scarf around my head like a sad Jewish woman and worked sweeping the gym floor into my choreography.
  3. Wearing a 'Team Edward' shirt on the reg
    No one would date me during 2009 because I basically insisted Twilight was the second coming of Shakespeare. Side effects included calling Paramore my favorite band.
  4. Blatantly pretending to love 'The Who' while trying to seduce the guy who would not date me because of said 'Team Edward' shirt.
    And not fooling anyone
  5. Awkwardly sitting next to Selena Gomez and being unable to think of a come back to her sick burn
    While looking like a fugly 14 year old
  6. Turning my room into a Darren Criss shine
    And never taking them down years after I stopped caring because meh, effort
  7. Bearing my soul via yearbook messages
    Love always, the least subtle person to ever exist
  8. Being interviewed by local TV for working at MuggleNet.com
    And being forced to wave a wand at the camera while yelling spells
  9. Getting dumped the night before visiting my boyfriend and then paying money to go visit him anyway
    Where I was welcomed with open arms of course!
  10. Obliviously seeing an obviously gay man
    Who was cheating on his boyfriend with me
  11. Being almost arrested for hooking up behind a movie theater
    And then seeing Thor 2 instead
  12. Passing out on my kitchen floor from afternoon Tequila shots with my mom
    And being discovered by my father
  13. Vomiting in the car while driving an adorable British man I just met to Gettysburg
    And then they fell in love and lived happily ever after, never bringing this up ever again.