Things I wish I enjoyed

  1. Exercise
    Or just, you know, gasping for air.
  2. "Mingling"
    Ugh, GOD. Nothing I hate more than floating around a room with no easy escape and no clear end in sight. The feeling of intruding on a conversation or faking interest for the sake of participation is an added bonus.
  3. "Small talk"
    Different from mingling! It is! Small talk is exchanging highlight reels but also a real life version of the classic board game "Guess Who?" Is this person a neighbor with a daughter who went to UCLA? Did this person play with me on the badminton team in high school? Did this person used to carpool with my older brother? Besides, if I don't know what I ate two nights ago how do I tell them what I've been up to this summer?
  4. Alcohol
    IT. TASTES. LIKE. POISON. HOW DO PEOPLE DRINK IT LIKE SIMPLE FRUIT PUNCH? IT TASTES LIKE PUNISHMENT.
  5. Mornings
    I like mornings, but not enough to wake up for them. The benefits of being an early riser overwhelm the very minor benefits of being a night owl.
  6. Politics
    Granted, I don't think anyone's really "enjoying" politics right now. But I'd probably be a more informed, efficient, and valuable member of society if I participated beyond vaguely skimming headlines.