LIFE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM THE LIVES OF FAMOUS AUTHORS

  1. If you're gonna take a swim in the river, take the rocks out of your pockets.
  2. Don't drink with Hemingway or leave him alone with your girl.
  3. Get in with a powerful lesbian who collects art and your career is MADE.
  4. Make sure to hang out in Paris cafes all the time but only if they have the 'Le' in the name.
  5. Author + tree + branch fondling = collectors item photo someday.
  6. Be born in some Midwestern backwater, preferably.
  7. Have sex with someone of each gender or suffer mediocrity forever.
  8. Then marry someone of the gender you liked having sex with LEAST.
  9. Not friends with charming rich people? You're toast.
  10. Frequently contemplate things in luxury cars that aren't yours.
  11. Amass large amounts of debt.
  12. Don't forget to write every five years.