THINGS I DO WHEN I FIRST GET INTO A HOTEL ROOM

Or, I've watched way too much 20/20 in my life
  1. Latch every lock and the safety bar
  2. Scan for peepholes or cameras
  3. Check the mini fridge for old food or body parts
  4. Thank the lord I never purchased a black light, because ignorance is bliss
  5. Pocket the toiletries and immediately call down for more
  6. Check that the hotel provides both HGTV and Bravo
  7. Adjust the temperature away from its inevitable settings of either meat locker or bayou
  8. Belly flop onto the bed, feet in the air, while I social media my heart out and Yelp a decent restaurant