Obituary Fun Facts When Detailing My Life to the Readers of "People Magazine" Online
How do I want to be remembered by the world? Well, I'm pretty humble. More humble than most actually so I've narowed down the incalculable number of titles to be given to me when I shimmy on out of here to a cool 6. You're welcome.
- •First Human Being to Beauty Vlog from Space on a Biweekly BasisNow to clarify, I wouldn't actually be in space. The dark is horrifying. Have you ever seen "The X-Files"? I'm not an idiot. That's not even mentioning the movie "Gravity." If Sandra Bullock can barely handle space then I'm obviously screwed. I'm hoping someone else will do it and then change their name to something remarkably similar to mine so I can just take credit.
- •Creator of Freedom-Reagan 2.0As we all know, the fastest way to gain prestige in our noble land is to be known for praising our eternal leader, Ronald Reagan, on the regular. If you have any doubts about this, I'd advise you to watch quite literally any Republican Presidential Debate since 1988. So it's no surprise I have concluded that the only way to ensure I achieve immortality (either literally or metaphorically) is to create a perfect replicate of Ronald Reagan to run in 2028. Welcome, Freedom-Reagan 2.0.Patent Pending
- •Executive Producer of "Keeping Up with the fReEdomAGANS"My contribution to the everlasting dominance of pure American values, the Freedom-Reagan 2.0, will almost undoubtably lead to a riviting reality TV show following a newly cyberized American leadership and the ups and downs of humanoid parenthood, all the while demonstrating the correct type of political promotion (it's not propaganda. That would be insane). I, clearly, will be revered by both the people and the government as the first pioneer of the New American Age.
- •Mindy Kailing's Wardrobe Designer/Sister-ployeeI am thoroughly convinced, as you should be, that @mindy is not only the snappiest dresser on TV (and real life too, now that I'm thinking about it) but she's also the epitome of comedic perfection. My long term goal is to become her best friend, which is ok since I'm so self-deluded that half of me thinks it may happen. If I were realistic, I would be devastated. Thank god I watched Hannah Montana during my impressionable years. My celebrity expectations are pretty high.
- •World Renowned Peace Treaty MediumMy future probably involves becoming a psychic for the governments of countries at war. I will just tell them what their future peace treaty will look like so they know when to settle. I may also reveal when the war will be over and how much it will cost so they can get a head start on organizing their foreign defense budget. Admittedly, this is one of my more financially drivin potential futures. Not everything can be as glamorous as a next gen Reagan.
- •First Modern Ginger President of the United StatesSunscreen would cost 50 cents. Sun hats? A dollar. Beaches would have a 100ft by 100ft designated shade section (as in darkness, not sass. Let's be professional). Cosmetics for redheaded girls would not be impossible to obtain. Orange would legally be the new black. End of stump speech.