THINGS I THOUGHT ABOUT TODAY
- •Depression is intricateFighting depression is being upset with yourself, feeling guilty because you've made yourself feel guilty- it's just constant fighting with yourself. I'm tired of beating myself up for situations I didn't even put myself into and I'm tired of the constant hell I give myself. My therapist once said something along the lines of how some people's brains seem to be bent on not loving themselves, a line I've been thinking back a lot to today
- •I didn't cry at my grandfathers funeralThis was probably a year and a half ago - not really sure why it's plaguing me today at this moment but I really can't stop beating myself up over this? I just feel terribly guilty
- •I think Tegan and Sara are really hotWow!! I remember when the music video for closer came out. I really liked the song and at the time didn't really know about things like Spotify etc so when I liked a song I would just look up the music video. Watched closer probably 500 times on repeat - thought Tegan and Sara were boys—oops!!! I remember being really attracted to Tegans hair😍. I watched their music video for boyfriend today and wow I'm so hung up right now
- •This boy who runs trackJust ADORE looking at him (and thinking about him) and every now catching him looking my way too. Everyone on the team calls him "Tags", which is an abbreviation of his last name. He has black hair and wears a silver cross around his neck. Whenever he flashes his crooked smile he always bites his lower lip. I like it. I'm also am attracted to how he looks frustrated when he isn't satisfied at the end of an event, whatever sick psychological thing that translates into
- •I haven't had a "normal" dream in a really long timeAll my dreams are either sexual dreams or stressful nightmares or a combination of the two. Some of these nightmares really torture me. I'm still wound up on a very vivid nightmare from two weeks ago.
- •Every day I want to be kinderEvery night before I fall asleep I think about how I want to be kinder than I was the day before. I want the world to be better. The friends I make next year will be kinder, the tone I use talking to my mother on the phone will be kinder, the way I treat myself will be kinder.
- •Summer is going to be so goodI'll leave it at that for now