1. "I don't actually think I could find my butthole."
    This was during an explanation of enemas. I maintain that I could not give myself an enema even in a dire emergency.
  2. "I am 100% certain Henri Matisse is a time traveler because I have seen him."
    I stand by this one.
  3. "Do you want me up before noon?"
    At my first job
  4. "Where are their parents?"
    This was after someone had told me about those Chilean miners trapped underground. I thought they were all under-18 type minors.
  5. "Apostle"
    Pronounced with a hard "T."
  6. "I'm funny on Twitter"
    Ok this wasn't out loud but it WAS to one of my Tinder matches, which is somehow far worse.
  7. "I knew it was gonna rain because of my ankle."
    I have a plate and screws in my ankle, which is the equivalent to a meteorology degree. My coworkers did not agree.