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- •Purchase something with your debit card
- •Hastily toss debit card back into your purse instead of your wallet
- •Later that day, become convinced you've lost your debit card and someone picked it up off the ground and is using it THIS VERY MINUTE to purchase $700 worth of shit from Best Buy
- •"Recommended serving size"
It was not an easy day.
- •"Well, SOMEONE has to be an adult and make a mature decision here, and it's sure as hell not gonna be ME"
- •"They want incentive? Okay, how about this? Next person who I catch lying to me gets clubbed like a baby seal. How's that for some motherfucking incentive?"
- •When I can't figure out what your personalized license plate is supposed to mean.
- •The sheer volume of Sherman Williams paint stores there are.They're EVERYWHERE.
- •The sheer lack of big-box office supply stores.Yes, I love Amazon as much as the next person. But there was always something about wasting 45 minutes looking at a wall of pens that I found oddly soothing.
But my boss keeps saying no.
- •Dream CrusherWhy sugar coat things?
- •Idiot WhispererSeriously though
- •Watch scary movies.They give me nightmares. Hi, I'm 35.
- •Drink diet soda.Not because it's unhealthy.....but because it makes me break out.
- •Order boneless, skinless chicken breast in a restaurant.I don't care if it's sauced, sautéed, or otherwise gussied up. I'm not paying $14 for a dish that's centered around the saddest piece of meat in the culinary spectrum.
- •Entertain the thought of wearing a romper.Unless you're 5'10" or taller, you're just going to look like an adult masquerading as a giant baby.
Most of these not only answer the question, but they also quell the desire to ask any pesky follow-up questions. Two birds, one stone.
- •"I lost a bet."
- •"I figured I could be self-righteous and smug about a lot of other things — for free."
- •"When I was ten, my Cabbage Patch doll came to life, touched my stomach, and placed a curse on me that made me barren."Lesson? Don't buy a Cabbage Patch doll at the Goodwill.
- •"The state won't allow me to have kids."
- •Start assembling all ingredients.
- •Realize that I forgot to buy unsweetened coconut at store.Dammit anyhow
- •Rifle through cupboards. Find three half-opened bags of sweetened coconut.Why/how do I have three bags of coconut? Push that question aside for later 2-in-the-morning overthinking