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  1. Purchase something with your debit card
  2. Hastily toss debit card back into your purse instead of your wallet
  3. Later that day, become convinced you've lost your debit card and someone picked it up off the ground and is using it THIS VERY MINUTE to purchase $700 worth of shit from Best Buy
2 more...
  1. Snapchat
  2. Fractions
  3. "Recommended serving size"
It was not an easy day.
  1. "Well, SOMEONE has to be an adult and make a mature decision here, and it's sure as hell not gonna be ME"
  2. "They want incentive? Okay, how about this? Next person who I catch lying to me gets clubbed like a baby seal. How's that for some motherfucking incentive?"
  1. When I can't figure out what your personalized license plate is supposed to mean.
  2. The sheer volume of Sherman Williams paint stores there are.
    They're EVERYWHERE.
  3. The sheer lack of big-box office supply stores.
    Yes, I love Amazon as much as the next person. But there was always something about wasting 45 minutes looking at a wall of pens that I found oddly soothing.
2 more...
  1. Dream Crusher
    Why sugar coat things?
  2. Idiot Whisperer
    Seriously though
  1. Watch scary movies.
    They give me nightmares. Hi, I'm 35.
  2. Drink diet soda.
    Not because it's unhealthy.....but because it makes me break out.
  3. Order boneless, skinless chicken breast in a restaurant.
    I don't care if it's sauced, sautéed, or otherwise gussied up. I'm not paying $14 for a dish that's centered around the saddest piece of meat in the culinary spectrum.
  4. Entertain the thought of wearing a romper.
    Unless you're 5'10" or taller, you're just going to look like an adult masquerading as a giant baby.
Most of these not only answer the question, but they also quell the desire to ask any pesky follow-up questions. Two birds, one stone.
  1. "I lost a bet."
  2. "I figured I could be self-righteous and smug about a lot of other things — for free."
  3. "When I was ten, my Cabbage Patch doll came to life, touched my stomach, and placed a curse on me that made me barren."
    Lesson? Don't buy a Cabbage Patch doll at the Goodwill.
  4. "The state won't allow me to have kids."
  1. Start assembling all ingredients.
  2. Realize that I forgot to buy unsweetened coconut at store.
    Dammit anyhow
  3. Rifle through cupboards. Find three half-opened bags of sweetened coconut.
    Why/how do I have three bags of coconut? Push that question aside for later 2-in-the-morning overthinking
8 more...