13 THINGS THAT SEEM LIKE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION BUT I SWEAR I’M REALLY FINE

  1. Every morning upon rising my first thought is “when can I be back in bed with my dog, heating pad and crocheted blankie encrusted with unspeakable things?”
    Boyfriend is optional only because I do not need to be judged while I’m enjoying a book of Anne Sexton poems and tending to my phantom vaginal pain.
  2. My first thought when anyone asks me anything, even “how are you?” is “haven’t I fucking done enough for you people?”
    But what I say is “oh, just chuggin’ along!”
  3. I wish I could sleep for days in a pile of baby lambs, dung and all.
  4. I flushed my spare painkillers down the toilet because they seemed like too much fun, then immediately regretted it and took a Klonopin.
  5. I exercise just so I’ll have an excuse to lie in the fetal position at work/on airplanes/for the rest of the day.
  6. I miss crying but the tears just won’t come. Unless I’m in public, specifically in a professional setting CC: @jennikonner
  7. When people invite me to parties I feel angry that they would ever think that laughing with a large group of people is something I would want to do.
  8. I wish someone close to me would have a bad accident (not too painful but lengthy recovery) so I’d have an excuse to stay inside with them.
  9. I think my dog hates our neighborhood and feels culturally misunderstood. Me? I’m fine here. It’s his problem.
  10. Most nights I dream my boyfriend leaves me and my fingers are too weak to dial his number to beg for him back.
  11. I can’t believe it’s June already. I did not take full advantage of all that horrible weather.
  12. I wish my friends would exclude me more.
  13. When my dad calls I answer “oh it’s you, the one who did this to me.”