ALL THE PETS I'VE LOVED IN MY LIFE AND WHAT MADE THEM SO WONDERFUL

This is the best list ever- thank you @jon! Warning: there are a bunch.
  1. Murray (Russian Blue Cat)
    She was my first pet, a cat we inherited from my mother Rosalie's best friend who passed away. She wasn't that nice and would disappear into the radiator for days on end but I tried to ride her whenever she appeared. My first word: Murmur!
  2. 5 & 6 (fish)
    I wanted pets so bad so for my 6th birthday I got these fish in a bowl next to my breakfast. They died of worms and I also tried to hold them. 6 actually seems too old to try and hold a fish. Family legend has it that when 6 died i wailed "I've lost my best friend."
  3. Fig Newton, Apple Newton, Wayne Newton
    Newts. Also died of worms. Shit luck.
  4. Guy (Devon Rex cat)
    My baby! When I was 7 we went to Greene Street at the corner of Canal to the hairless cat breeder (my mom is allergic) and picked out guy- pink skin, white patches, green eyes. So snuggly you could explode. His health was touch and go from the start- when he was just 6 months he ate a foot of floss and a bobby pin- and he ultimately died of cat AIDS at age 7. I wanna explode with love thinking of him.
  5. India Rose (Sphynx cat)
    Our second hairless cat, my 13th bday gift! She was the color of ash and so slippery sweet. Before Guy died she loved him so much she would nurse off him and she gave him a nipple infection. She had black heads and was a very good jumper. Died at age 12, but first shit all over our printer.
  6. Sophia Eloise & Thor Leopold (Devon Rex cats)
    Brother and sister, Floridian, meant to replace the irreplaceable Guy. Both so sweet and gave actual hugs but these cats are very inbred so Thor had an extra ventricle in his heart and we had to put him down the day I gave my first blow job. We donated his heart to science. Sophia had a seizure and pissed herself in my father's studio and he wept. I honestly would not get one of these cats again because it's too much heartbreak.
  7. Xena Zoe (Iguana)
    My dad really didn't want a dog so he kept buying us other pets. This one was honestly quite stressful because she shed her tail and gave me nightmares so I gifted her to a black-metal loving lizard dude.
  8. Sabine & Saylor (red bellied slider turtles)
    Bought them on Canal Street, size of quarters, but they got so big so fast that they had to move to a special slider pond. I was assured it was a nice halfway point between tank and the wild but could that be true? They had suuuch cute faces and if you ran your fingers along the tank they bit at them through the glass. Cleaning a turtle tank should be the punishment for murder, or at least tax fraud.
  9. Chester Hadley (lop-eared California white rabbit)
    Bought at a Brooklyn pet store in the wake of 9/11 with money borrowed from my friend Mojo Lorwin, Chester was the sweetest girl in town. After she was spayed she was litter trained and slept in my bed. Many of my books still bear her chew marks. When it was time to go to college my parents couldn't handle a free roaming rabbit so I located a woman with a rabbit rescue in Maryland and my dad and I drove there. Never cried harder. Miss her every day not a joke. Still dream I took her to college.
  10. Dean Dunham (wire haired fox terrier)
    Finally my dad relented and our baby boy arrived. Naughty naughty naughty, once kicked off a train for biting a conductor (skin was not broken) but so handsome it didn't matter. Well, it did matter to the conductor. Died last February at age 11 after losing use of his back legs and adapting to WHEELS. Worst breath best eyes can't lose.
  11. Morgan, Chaipau & Harper (hamsters)
    During my senior year of college I started a small cottage industry caring for neglected dorm hamsters. They became so tame and sweet. Morgan was roughly the size of a human baby and liked to climb bookshelves but when I was in Cabo with my college boyfriend she escaped into a wall at my parents place. Chaipau (which is Hindi for tea boy) weighed 1 (yes 1) ounce and died of fungus though I fought it. Harper was, frankly, a cunt.
  12. Lamby Antonoff Dunham
    The man himself, the love of my life, he embodies all the best qualities of those who came before him. Somewhere between 4 and 8, in my heart he will always be my baby. Likes: gluten free white pizza, hot gay men, stuffed toys. Dislikes: bald dudes, party decorations, things that go bump on the night.