ASSUMED PLOT AND DIALOGUE TO THE ORIGINAL 'STAR WARS' (WHICH I HAVE STILL YET TO SEE)

So you got me @list - I ain't never seen Star Wars. But do I know what happens!? Absolutely! This is my best effort to piece it together based on what I've heard 'round town.
  1. So Luke & Leia live in a dusty space town
    They are best friends and eventually lovers. She wears buns to protect her ears from the dust. Luke always wonders who his dad is but isn't too focused on it because he's young and having fun.
  2. One day Harrison Ford and Yoda come
    They invite Luke & Leia onto the ship (the STAR SHIP X, it's called) to travel to another planet where a war is happening. It's hard though because Luke gets jealous of his high school sweetheart Leia snuggling up to Han Solo. He confides in Chewbacca.
  3. When they get to the other planet it's mayhem
    R2D2 is the only nice guy there. Yoda is like "I told you this would be weird and hard." Now these suburban teens Luke and Leia are suddenly big time soldiers and it's a lot. Han Solo tries to help but let's face it, he's a peasant.
  4. All along the way Darth Vader is hunting them
    Finally one day Luke is like "why have you been bothering me all this time!?" Darth says "Luke I am your father. And Leia's. You've been porking your sister left and right." Luke is like "okay my bad, moving on."
  5. For the rest of the movies they battle the dark side as a team
    Everyone has sex with people who aren't related to them. Everyone accepts that the war may never be over between good and evil. They party at a bar with a Mexican flair.