ENCOUNTERS WITH DAVID LETTERMAN (OR: THE BLACK DRESS DIARIES)

In honor of the great man stepping down, a few favorite moments with Dave... AKA all my moments with Dave.
  1. The first time we met was onstage.
    Dave doesn't come backstage and say hi and make you feel cozy like some talk show hosts (I'm talkin' to you, Jon Stewart.) So the first time you confront that stunning tooth gap is in front of a live studio audience. I was told he likes a girl in a black dress so that's what I did. He didn't laugh much, and the laughs he did laugh were fake-y.
  2. The second time I went on the show, I got a very bad stomach ache three minutes before heading onstage.
    I texted @jennikonner in a panic and she said, and I quote, "just go. The adrenaline will stop you up." I wore a black dress again because why rock the boat? He laughed a teensy bit and I wondered if that meant he was in love with me.
  3. Later I ran into him at Howard Stern's birthday party (a sentence I never thought I would type.)
    He said "hello Lena." I nearly fainted. He knew my name without a cue card?? Heaven. Thank G I was wearing a black dress.
  4. The last time I went I wanted to bring him a retirement gift.
    My father suggested a Bocce ball set. I wanted to go with a grow-your-own herb garden. His producer said NO HE HATES GIFTS so I instead I... wore a black dress. And he actually truly laughed and I thought "the lord can take me home now." Dave, you are one of a kind and you make me swoon and I don't even mind when you're rude to certain women. I wish they had replaced you with a person of color or a queer person/ woman even though I love Stephen Colbert (that's not the point.) I miss you already.