SOME THINGS I'VE HALLUCINATED DURING THIS SINUS INFECTION

Who needs a thermometer when you have nonsensical waking dreams?
  1. A misunderstood British teen hanging by my bathroom door asking why he was born
    Too much BBC
  2. My face is a popcorn maker and every time I blow my nose...
    Well, you get the idea
  3. My phone is ringing and the caller ID says MOM'S MAD
  4. Work emergency
    Too many puppies in the accounting department!!!
  5. I accidentally tweeted something offensive about international relations
    And I don't even know what that would MEAN it was a food related tweet this is gonna end my career let's delete it before David Geffen sees it!?