1. Sit hunched over a computer for seven hours without stretching
  2. Eat a quesadilla at 5pm
  3. Fall asleep with my iPhone on my chest
  4. Avoid my grandma
  5. Treat the weekends like my last meal before capital punishment
  6. Google myself
    This goes in phases
  7. Google "[blank] bikini body"
  8. Create narratives in my head about what others are thinking about me (i.e. "Aurelia thinks I have very poor willpower and work ethic because she saw me napping by the space heater at lunch!")
  9. Dehydrate myself to the point that I feel flu-ish
  10. Get too lazy to give Lamby his final walk and let him piss on the bath mat
    It's also not great for him
  11. Read US Weekly