THINGS MY 15 YEAR OLD SELF REALLY THOUGHT I'D BE ABLE TO SAY AT ALMOST 29 YEARS OF AGE

  1. "Who HAVEN'T I frenched in this town!?"
  2. "My boobs are big but not, like, back problem big."
  3. "You know after you're engaged a couple times you really just stop caring about diamonds."
  4. "My kindergarteners all pooled their lunch money and bought me a Best Drama Teacher Ever pendant!"
  5. "My sister and I live together on the top floor of the Dakota with our assorted lovers. It's an unusual arrangement but we love it!"
  6. "My mom disappeared into dust on a road trip through Texas to find Georgia O'Keefe's nightgown. I miss her every day."
  7. "I went through a real curvy phase in my late teens."
  8. "I speak a bunch of Swedish."
  9. "I love you too, Jimmy Fallon."