THINGS I CALL BULLSHIT ON

  1. ADULTS CELEBRATING THEIR OWN BIRTHDAYS
    Come on. After your 10th birthday, we shouldn't really be expected to give that much of a shit. Okay 21-- I get it. 30, fine-- but you're pushing it. If you're mad I didn't attend your "33rd birthday dinner"-- where like, we have to divide the check thirteen ways AND pay for you? No.
  2. JUMPING INTO A COLD POOL AND SAYING "IT SUCKS AT FIRST BUT THEN YOU GET USED TO IT."
    You don't get used to it.
  3. "I'M SICK OF PLAYING GAMES!"
    No you're not. You kinda love it. You love the drama and even if you REALLY THINK you don't, too bad because games are part of the whole deal. Sorry.
  4. "I JUST WISH I COULD FIND A GUY LIKE SETH ROGAN"
    You don't even know Seth Rogan. No one does.
  5. ADOPTING DOGS
    All dogs are adopted. Some people just happen to adopt them from breeders.
  6. SAYING YOU'RE AN ATHEIST
    More likely you're anti-religion, there just isn't a big enough vocabulary (yet) for all the many different views and opinions. Being an atheist means "proof of the non-existence of God," which is as strong an idea as saying you have proof of existence. It's kinda like the punk kids hating the jocks because they're normies who look the same, but all the punk kids have safety pins and Mohawks and you can't tell them apart either. Even Sam Harris is meditating now.
  7. "I'M WRITING"
    First of all, don't tell us. Second, you're not writing for five days straight or even five hours straight. Most likely, 30 minutes, tops, bookended by jerking off, pinterest, Twitter, listapp, stalking, buying shit online.
  8. WHEN WOMEN CLAIM THEY ORGASM EVERY TIME THEY DO IT
    It's okay. You don't have to lie about it anymore, don't feel ashamed. There's nothing wrong with you it's just the way we were made. If it were that easy to have an orgasm every time we had sex, the world would already have ended due to the drastic overpopulation problem. There's a reason why it's harder for us-- it has to be. It's also why there's a "honeymoon phase." If that phase never ended we would all be homeless.
  9. THE DENTIST
    How do we know they're not making our teeth worse? What else would get us back in there? They need to make a living. Think about it. And while we're at it...
  10. NEEDING A HIGHER GLASSES PRESCRIPTION
    Yeah because optometrists tweak the prescription just a wee bit every time so that your eyes eventually depend on glasses and they can stay in business. How has this lie gone on for so long? Probably because glasses are cute.
  11. GUNS KILL PEOPLE
    No, people who need to be on medication and can't afford/ are afraid to be stigmatized/never occurred to them because they're too crazy, buy guns and kill people. That said, the pharmaceutical industry is its own monster and I'm not pro every kid being on drugs or whatever. Let's just say... IT'S COMPLICATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  12. BEING EITHER GAY OR STRAIGHT
    Kinsey Scale much?
  13. ASTROLOGY
    You can't really think it's real. I love magic and mystery and I'm very open to its history, but just Btwn us for one second, do you really think the stars are psychic? By all means prove me wrong. Susan Miller is always hooking up the Pisces so I'm down.
  14. TO BE CONTINUED