HOW TO: CHANGE A SPARE TIRE

  1. 1.
    Uh oh! Your tire popped and now you're stranded in the middle of Indiana. First things first...
  2. 2.
    Hit the steering wheel a couple of times and release all of your favorite swear words. My favorites are, 'nutsack' and 'stinky-dick.' You've earned this moment of discretion.
  3. 3.
    Stay calm. In order to pull this off, you'll need to look extra sexy and nobody looks sexy when they're panicking. Except maybe Lucien Rouzet, the French physicist and inventor, who, in 1912, created a wireless telegraph system. He ALWAYS looked sexy. Always.
  4. 4.
    Turn your hazards on. They'll help attract people's attention. Now, get to the trunk. If you have a flare gun, feel free to fire that sonofabitch right into God's face. He deserves it for stranding you like this.
  5. 5.
    Take out whatever tools you have, along with your sexiest outfit. I prefer something with sequence, which'll really sparkle with those hazard lights. Put it on and make your hot-parts POP and your not-parts FLOP.
  6. 6.
    Formulate your sexy tableau. Stick your butt out, pout your lips and maybe pour some water on your head. You know...sexy stuff.
  7. 7.
    Quick, someone's approaching! Rub the wrench down your body but also look sad.
  8. 8.
    "Hello, do you need any help?" he or she will say.
  9. 9.
    "Oh, me? Well my tire popped on my way to the sexy billionaire party. I could probably fix it on my own if I wasn't too distraught about my entire family dying in a volcano accident."
  10. 10.
    NOTE: that last part needs to be extra sultry. No one can resist the idea of a sexy billionaire party or the idea of dead family members.
  11. 11.
    Then they'll say, "Oh, I had some mechanical experience before I shipped off to war. Let me take a look."
  12. 12.
    You respond, "Okay, but only if it isn't too much trouble."
  13. 13.
    By this point, the stranger has gotten out of their car and has started the tire-changing process. Show him/her some buttocks while gently encouraging them!
  14. 14.
    Once completed, the stranger will probably ask for something in return. Offer him/her the warm Tupperware of fruit salad sitting in your trunk, though I'm sure they will politely decline.
  15. 15.
    Now, get in your car fast and lock the doors. The stranger probably thought they'd get paid in sex or money or both, but you're better than that!
  16. 16.
    Pedal to the metal before anything creepy happens. You got what you needed, and it's a dog-eat-dog world out there!
  17. 17.
    And that's it! You've successfully changed a tire. Woohoo! You deserve all of life's finest things. 🎉
  18. 18.
    Brag about it. 😎