Onwards to the Independent Spirit Awards
  1. I was a Girl Scout for three years and never earned a single badge.
  2. My college has been holding my diploma since 2007 because I owe something to the tune of $11ish in library fees.
  3. There is an opened but unread letter sent from a federal prison sitting on my bedside table.
    I'm pretty sure I know what it says.
  4. I get doubled carded ordering Shirley Temples at bars.
    Babyfaced alcoholics unite and take over?
  5. My parents thought they’d named me after a flower; in reality, I’m a parasitic jungle vine that climbs atop the other vegetation and sucks up all the sunlight.