Things John Mulaney Says in "New in Town" That Make ME Go "Amen"

  1. 13 year olds are the meanest people in the world, they terrify me to this day
    I've had 7/8th graders for the last two days and I'm the most insecure and that's really weird. But as John mulaney says, they'll make fun of you in an accurate way
  2. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.
    I get told I look 17 a lot. And that my face hasn't changed since I was 13. Such a good feeling
  3. some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore.
    Didn't worry about quicksand so much as meteor showers, and other natural disasters. Now that I've lived through multiple snow storms and such, my anxieties are more the crushing responsibilities that come with being an adult.
  4. I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot.
    I really should learn about cars especially in the winter. But I couldn't offer anyone help unless they knew how to do it. Also had to call my dad because my wipers were all weird and I couldn't see. It's not like I'm an adult or anything
  5. It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes.
    I have very little self control when it comes to making fun of people. Most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone is mad
  6. His ideal episode of SVU
    I'd pay to see that
  7. It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable
  8. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.
    I admit I'm bummed at first but 5 minutes after they fall through, I feel so much better
  9. So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.
    Also might be what I wore to school yesterday
  10. The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, "You want me to do whaaaat?"
    I liked gym most of the time but sometimes I wanted to pretend I was sick
  11. You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I’ll die.
    Some stereotypes about Irish people are spot on when it comes to me. Like liking alcohol and this
  12. Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland.
    I wear my John Watson sweaters when I know I can't fall asleep, like in class. That itchiness would keep me up for days
  13. Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things, just about like everyday situations
    I'm shaking as we speak because I have 8th grade next and I might have to teach them stuff and I'm not good at Spanish