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  1. โ€ข
    My apartment flooded and I had to try to blow dry my carpet before leaving the house.
    This has actually happened to me.
  2. โ€ข
    I'm babysitting and the parents are running late.
    Fucking. Gold. Practically bullet-proof, excuse-wise.
  3. โ€ข
    I forgot my *insert necessary work item here*, so I had to turn around and get it.
    Not a great excuse because it paints you as irresponsible twice over- once for being late and again for forgetting your important shit.
6 more...
I blame West-by-God-Virginia
  1. โ€ข
    Chipotle.(CHIP-TOW-LAY)
    I have no explanation for this
  2. โ€ข
    Quinoa (KEEN-NOAH)
    To be fair, I had some trouble with this too. It doesn't make me an idiot; it's spelled funny. She's SOOO close with this pronunciation.
  3. โ€ข
    Wash (WARSH)
    WHHHYYYY?
2 more...
  1. 1.
    Stalk your future date's social media accounts for topics of conversation ๐ŸŽจ๐ŸŠ๐Ÿผ๐ŸŽฎ
  2. 2.
    Realize he/she is too hot for you ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
  3. 3.
    Have minor panic attack๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿšจ
20 more...
  1. โ€ข
    Being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets -Rick
  2. โ€ข
    If you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad. -Rick
  3. โ€ข
    There is no God....gotta rip off that bandaid now. -Rick
6 more...
Disclaimer: I have not done most of these things
  1. โ€ข
    Change into different pieces of lingerie
  2. โ€ข
    Wear a swimsuit
  3. โ€ข
    Show my armpits so they can worship them
6 more...
(That will never actually happen)
  1. 1.
    Choose where we're walking.
    My dog will never get to choose where we walk. Despite his repeated failures to pull the leash and me to alternative destinations, he never wins. Ever.
  2. 2.
    Obtaining food just by giving me face
    The bulldog is equipped with a high emotional intelligence, which is particularly damning when it comes to begging. He has the best "I'm so sad and starving" face. But I'm on to you, you little shit. And these are MY carrots and MY hummus
  3. 3.
    Sitting in my seat every time I leave a piece of furniture.
    I'm gonna make you get down. Every. Fucking. Time. You know why? Because that's my side of the bed, that's why.
  4. 4.
    Avoiding baths
    You need a bath. You roll around in other animals feces for fun. You also live in my apartment. Which I don't want to smell like feces (human, dog, or otherwise). Get in the tub