Things my dog thinks are going to happen

(That will never actually happen)
  1. 1.
    Choose where we're walking.
    My dog will never get to choose where we walk. Despite his repeated failures to pull the leash and me to alternative destinations, he never wins. Ever.
  2. 2.
    Obtaining food just by giving me face
    The bulldog is equipped with a high emotional intelligence, which is particularly damning when it comes to begging. He has the best "I'm so sad and starving" face. But I'm on to you, you little shit. And these are MY carrots and MY hummus
  3. 3.
    Sitting in my seat every time I leave a piece of furniture.
    I'm gonna make you get down. Every. Fucking. Time. You know why? Because that's my side of the bed, that's why.
  4. 4.
    Avoiding baths
    You need a bath. You roll around in other animals feces for fun. You also live in my apartment. Which I don't want to smell like feces (human, dog, or otherwise). Get in the tub