1. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness was hovering over the surface of the deep, which, ugh.
  2. Actually (#actually), God called the vault “sky.” Not that it matters because all nomenclature is irredeemably flawed and meaningless, like Williamsburg after the sushi places moved in.
  3. Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it.” And then God opened the Gowanus Whole Foods!!
  4. And there was evening, and there was morning — the third day lol.
  5. And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures.” And things kept getting worse on earth but like of course they did. God’s brand had started to suffer!
  6. And then some people started thinking God was creating Excellent Content and asked if he wanted to work for Fusion or BuzzFeed or like make a Facebook instant articles for them.
  7. Then God, a True Millennial, said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness.” Male and female he created them. And Millennial God said they were the first ~baes.~ I mean… HERE WE GO!
  8. Then God wrote a wretched leaving New York article that actually used the phrases “I need more wide open spaces” and “everyone is just so competitive here.”