IT STARTED WITH A COCKROACH AT MIDNIGHT

Everything has gone wrong.
  1. 1.
    I hate to admit this but
  2. 2.
    at approx 12:03 am last night, a cockroach 1.5" in length crawled out from behind the fridge and sat on the kitchen floor, staring at me as rivers of dish soap suds streamed down my forearms. He didn't move. He twinkled his antennae. And stared.
  3. 3.
    Of course I was forced to do the unthinkable, which occurred in three stages.
  4. 4.
    Stage 1: Give self a pep talk. You are liberating this sentient being into a better life. This sentient being is actually an abomination. Imagine this sentient being crawling on your face. You want to kill this sentient being.
  5. 5.
    Stage 2: Locate killing device. In this case, a box full of chai tea mix samples some company sent you. Far more chai than you could ever drink. Chai that will now kill. Drop box. Hear scuttling. Walk away.
  6. 6.
    Stage 3: Eliminate evidence from scene of crime. Return to check that target is, in fact, dead. Except it's not. It's squirming. Resist existentialist temptation to compare self to squirming target. Find new, deadlier killing device. AAA quarterly membership magazine. THWAP.
    Done. Finish packing. Set alarm. You will sleep approximately 6 hours before you must mobilize to leave for LAX.
  7. 7.
    Wake half hour before alarm.
    By the ghost of the slaughtered cockroach.
  8. 8.
    Receive email that your flight has been canceled.
  9. 9.
    There are no other flights in your timeframe. Change routing. Change plans. Text people. Make arrangements. Determine new time of departure from home to avoid unnecessary delays and reach airport in time to check bag.
    You're all about checking bags. You are so OVER hefting unwieldy bags overhead in confined spaces.
  10. 10.
    Leave. Forget book. Consider traveling without book. You cannot.
    You cannot travel without a book. Something bad (ok, something ELSE bad) will happen.
  11. 11.
    Leave again. En route to LAX swerve radically across three lanes of traffic in order to avoid a crazed biker cruising every which way going east in the westward moving lanes on Venice Boulevard. Almost kill human being. Watch in rearview how he almost gets killed over and over again.
    WHAT. THE. FUCK.
  12. 12.
    Arrive at airport to discover gargantuan lane to drop baggage. Decide to wait it out. Line is so long you take a business call while waiting.
    Curse on the inside. A lot.
  13. 13.
    Realize with horror that you're about to miss the cut off to check baggage. And it's not your fault. AND they already fucked you over earlier today when they canceled your flight. Arrive to kiosk at the exact 45 minute mark.
  14. 14.
    She takes your bag, she tags it, and then, as she's throwing it on the conveyer belt, she slaps a huge LATE CHECK-IN tag on it. "What does that mean???" You say, feigning calm.
    Actually everyone knew you were freaked as fuck.
  15. 15.
    "There's a 50/50 chance it'll get on the flight," she says (with legitimate calm).
    WHATTTTTTTTTTTT
  16. 16.
    "Do you want it back?" "I don't know. No. Yes? I don't know." At which point she runs down the length of the kiosks and brings your bag back to you.
    NOW WHAT.
  17. 17.
    You leave and start crying. You rush to your flight. You make it. WE make it. You and your bag.
    And hopefully no roaches. (Don't judge me for 😭, please.)
  18. 18.
    It all started with a cockroach at midnight.
    And hopefully now it's over.
  19. 19.
    Bon voyage
    😳😳😳
  20. 20.
    Ps I LEFT MY LAPTOP AT SECURITY.
    Plane is taking off now. WTF IS HAPPENING AND IS IT ALL BECAUSE I KILLED A COCKROACH?????