ITEMS DETERMINING END OF YEAR 💰BONUS💰 FOR UPPER EAST SIDE HOUSEWIVES

Per sociological observations of Wednesday Martin, poetic license very much taken. Please add! Also please excuse/feel free to school me if you live/grew up on the UES. (http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/opinion/sunday/poor-little-rich-women.html)
  1. 1.
    Number of blow jobs. (+$10K/BJ)
  2. 2.
    Pounds above or below ideal weight, as determined by husband at final pre-nuptial wedding dress fitting. (-$20K/pounds above/below)
  3. 3.
    Proper self-medication to ensure cheery facade of pristine calm masking interior cauldron of sexual frustation, boredom, and self-loathing. (+$45K)
  4. 4.
    Not being blonde or at least tan. (-$75K)
  5. 5.
    Number of mentions of "feminism", "equality", "career", or "Beyoncé" in private. (-$6K/event)
  6. 6.
    Number of mentions of "feminism", "equality", "career", or "Beyoncé" in public. (+$6K/event)
  7. 7.
    Chicness of daily outfits vs frequency of t-shirts and spandex. (+/-$5K/month)
  8. 8.
    Chicness and perfectly balanced restraint/sexiness of special occasion wear. (+$10K/event)
  9. 9.
    Properly managing housekeeper/keeping the peace with home staff. (+/-$2K/month)
  10. 10.
    Frequency of public displays of jewelry previously gifted by husband. (+$3K/event)
  11. 11.
    Frequency of attempts to disrupt gender-segregated work events. (-$5K/event)
  12. 12.
    Number of mentions of "pressure", "stress", "tired", "tantrum", or "lonely". (-$3K/event)
  13. 13.
    Getting your child the right therapist. (+/-$20K)
  14. 14.
    Getting your child into the right school but the wrong class. (-$100K)
  15. 15.
    Arranging a play date with child of man who became CFO instead of husband. (-$125K)
  16. 16.
    Failure to carry whatever the fuck that big bag is. (-$30K)
  17. 17.
    Frequency of gym visits during approved hours aka times when sex is not a possibility. (+$1K/week)
  18. 18.
    Number of times sex is refused. (-$10K/event)
  19. 19.
    Display of grey hair or crow's feet. (-$200K)
  20. 20.
    Missed waxing appointment aka prickly pussy (failure to properly schedule time). (-$12K/event)
  21. 21.
    Securing and populating at least one table at major seasonal charity event. (+$65K)
  22. 22.
    Frequency of public displays of patriarchal respect and deference to husband. (+/-$5K/event)
  23. 23.
    Frequency of mentions of EOY bonus in front of children or house staff. (-$25K/event)
  24. 24.
    Frequency of mentions of EOY bonus in front of other couples. (-$100K/event)
  25. 25.
    Asking what goes into EOY bonus calculation. (-$THE WHOLE FUCKING BONUS)