Per sociological observations of Wednesday Martin, poetic license very much taken. Please add! Also please excuse/feel free to school me if you live/grew up on the UES. (
  1. Number of blow jobs. (+$10K/BJ)
  2. Pounds above or below ideal weight, as determined by husband at final pre-nuptial wedding dress fitting. (-$20K/pounds above/below)
  3. Proper self-medication to ensure cheery facade of pristine calm masking interior cauldron of sexual frustation, boredom, and self-loathing. (+$45K)
  4. Not being blonde or at least tan. (-$75K)
  5. Number of mentions of "feminism", "equality", "career", or "Beyoncé" in private. (-$6K/event)
  6. Number of mentions of "feminism", "equality", "career", or "Beyoncé" in public. (+$6K/event)
  7. Chicness of daily outfits vs frequency of t-shirts and spandex. (+/-$5K/month)
  8. Chicness and perfectly balanced restraint/sexiness of special occasion wear. (+$10K/event)
  9. Properly managing housekeeper/keeping the peace with home staff. (+/-$2K/month)
  10. Frequency of public displays of jewelry previously gifted by husband. (+$3K/event)
  11. Frequency of attempts to disrupt gender-segregated work events. (-$5K/event)
  12. Number of mentions of "pressure", "stress", "tired", "tantrum", or "lonely". (-$3K/event)
  13. Getting your child the right therapist. (+/-$20K)
  14. Getting your child into the right school but the wrong class. (-$100K)
  15. Arranging a play date with child of man who became CFO instead of husband. (-$125K)
  16. Failure to carry whatever the fuck that big bag is. (-$30K)
  17. Frequency of gym visits during approved hours aka times when sex is not a possibility. (+$1K/week)
  18. Number of times sex is refused. (-$10K/event)
  19. Display of grey hair or crow's feet. (-$200K)
  20. Missed waxing appointment aka prickly pussy (failure to properly schedule time). (-$12K/event)
  21. Securing and populating at least one table at major seasonal charity event. (+$65K)
  22. Frequency of public displays of patriarchal respect and deference to husband. (+/-$5K/event)
  23. Frequency of mentions of EOY bonus in front of children or house staff. (-$25K/event)
  24. Frequency of mentions of EOY bonus in front of other couples. (-$100K/event)
  25. Asking what goes into EOY bonus calculation. (-$THE WHOLE FUCKING BONUS)