Feel free to add context and attribution, or not. In the spirit of @bjnovak's bangin' ONE THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY: Doesn't need to be funny or grandiose, just something that struck you.
  1. I want to wear Hasidic Jewish Attire.
  2. You lived in her womb. 👶🏻
    Suggested by @brookielyons
  3. Imagine the man bun possibilities.
    Suggested by @alanakysar
  4. And to be fair she did do heroin for a while a couple years later but whatever this was before that
    Suggested by @danrobert
  5. I can get nastier.
    Suggested by @mollyyeh
  6. Your tongue is huge wtf
    Suggested by @tothemaxxx
  7. Mild
    Suggested by @eatthelove
  8. I wish you a night full of normokalemia and I miss your face
    Suggested by @sally
  9. if we start a band can we call it the FLEEKFOXES???
    Suggested by @lgw
  10. "Poo."
    Suggested by @dave
  11. Hyperventilating! Like Bobo running in the backyard!
    Suggested by @AlexandraLouise
  12. Boppin down to Culver!
    Suggested by @mandi
  13. "I'm a man of the people."
    Suggested by @Suzanne
  14. LOVE! Can't wait to get the off market Chinese pirates version...s/b grainy & raw, just the way we like 😜
    Suggested by @mallofamanda
  15. Happy birthday bud, I hope you win the tug of war in both life and field days -from @BostonMike
    Suggested by @joshbard
  16. "Excellence demands no apology."
    Suggested by @Mary
  17. First aid kit & flashlight were big hits (there was some squabbling...;-) both kids have ponchos in their backpacks now...
    Suggested by @evanp
  18. Punish me
    Suggested by @desijed
  19. Need you up on the Rez for suicide prevention
    Suggested by @ouizoid
  20. You are always invited [to be a guest on a hypothetical podcast]
    Suggested by @magdalenam
  21. Yeah ur that guy id b S T U P I D 2 t r u s t (from @jennalamagna )
    Suggested by @joetro22
  22. A lot to digest there in that last text. Hope you're doing well, and we'll keep working on that coffee machine
    Suggested by @sam
  23. Internet is upset about it too apparently.
    Suggested by @JonDA
  24. I almost bought a karaoke machine for $300 the other day because it had a disco ball on top. It was a cry for help
    Suggested by @Debby
  25. My 3-year-old nephew is obsessed with the movie he calls "Teddy 2"
    Suggested by @angusisley
  26. "Yeah. No need to mention drones "
    Suggested by @gsheldon
  27. I think juice for you is like nuts for me. And coffee for you is like sugar for me.
    Suggested by @RebeccaWalker
  28. Well. It's important to handle that cavity before it gets bigger.
    Suggested by @RebeccaWalker
  29. Don't die.
    Suggested by @RebeccaWalker
  30. Sebastian. Met him in China. He's an entrepreneur.
    Suggested by @katmills
  31. "Buh no that doesn't look like a dick"
    Suggested by @ohlauren
  32. Random drunk girl said something about bomb threat as I scootered by.
    Suggested by @seantimberlake
  33. Phillip is doing an online Spanish course. For one assignment, he has to write an introduction about himself. He asked how to say I've been skydiving. I told him, "he pasado pedo mojado. Lo me encantó."
    Translation: "I had a wet fart. I loved it." For the record, I was the recipient not the sender of this text😇
    Suggested by @NoahGeisel