WAYS TO RUIN A DATE
I have done none of these, certainly not within the last 24 hours.
- •Be ill, but decide to persevere. Pretend that you are not about to fall asleep or vomit with every breath.
- •When encountering your date, appear breezy despite the fact that you may or may not be having trouble focusing your eyes on his face.
- •Within five minutes, begin doggedly questioning his relationship with his mother.
- •Wordlessly judge his lack of relationship with his father, by use of facial expressions you're certain are pointed yet benign.
- •Eat half the bread basket as quickly as possible, because maybe bread will quell the nausea. Say, "I didn't realize how hungry I was!" Boys like when girls eat, right?
- •Confess you are incredibly nauseated, but give no reason for said nausea, at which point he is left to think you may be with child.
- •Stop eating after three bites, for fear you're going to hurl all over him. Feel like you're awash in a churning sea of bile.
- •Speak at length of generally unspeakable things, such as washing your mother's dead body. Blame it on your weakened state.
- •When you can go no further, triumphantly surrender to your fear of hurling and refuse all food. Don't even try to pretend that you're not burping every ten seconds. Explain that your pain is a result of the manual labor you performed this morning. That way he knows you're a real workhorse of a lady.
- •Announce that, against all odds, you must go home. Allow for egregious silences between this announcement and the arrival of the check.
- •On the way home, rejoice! You have performed the ruining of your date to perfection. Go to sleep immediately, and swear to never revisit the events of the night, not even in List form.