My 77 year old father dictated this to me, with his partner Susan chiming in. He (Martin Diamond), prefaced his list dictation by saying: "A true friend is more valuable than the most precious DIAMOND." Then he winked approximately 100 times.
  1. They don't do what we want them to do.
    This is my dad's favorite list item. He likes his friends best when they do whatever he wants.
  2. We think they're smart only if they agree with us.
    He finds this one wildly funny.
  3. They're funny only if we think the same things are funny.
    So ostensibly they should find his desire for them to agree with him wildly amusing.
  4. They're a true friend only if they tolerate our worst ways of being.
    This one he's very serious about—the unfairness of how we expect our own flaws to be overlooked when we cannot tolerate those of others.
  5. They're a true friend only if they're available whenever we want them to be available.
    Because Martin Diamond's got NEEDS, y'all!
  6. In none of the ways we judge ourselves.
    My dad's version of "get real, bro".
  7. Ps, my dad is awesome. He's 77 going on 35 with the wisdom of a centenarian. He also hopes you'll be his friend?