MY RESPONSE TO RACHELLE'S INFJ QUESTION
- •My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years. We have 2 boys, 2.5 and 3 months.
- •I am an INFJ and Evan is an ISTJ.
- •In our first five years of marriage, he earned a PhD, I left the career I thought I'd always have, we endured big personal tragedies, and we moved across the country to a place where we know NO ONE.
- •Our marriage is in no way perfect, and this year in particular has been the hardest. But, our marriage also gets better all the time.
- •So, while I am in no way an expert on relationships or on personality types, that's the perspective i'm coming from.
- •First of all, our relationship is better because of our personality differences.I can be SO in my head all the time. I will spend forever mulling something over, considering it from every single angle and worrying about all the ramifications. I want to understand every facet of an issue. (Something that comes not just from my INFJ-ness but also from my Input/Learner strengths.)
- •Sometimes, it is SO helpful to have someone say, "Here are the facts. This is a good course of action. Now let's do it."I need his practicality and groundedness (is that a word?) to balance me out.
- •Remember that someone else's different personality type is just DIFFERENT, not bad.We NEED different in our lives. I would argue that you won't even understand yourself fully until you consider your own personality in light of the people you are in relationship with.
- •Just because someone doesn't necessarily UNDERSTAND the uniqueness of your personality doesn't mean they don't VALUE it.You need to be with someone who VALUES your personality and approach to life, even if they don't understand it. The way Evan and I each approach problems sometimes drives the other person crazy...and yet we recognize and value that those quirks are what makes this person we love so special and interesting.
- •There are some things about my husband that I don't understand.I don't understand his occasional need for efficiency over relationships. I don't always understand the way he chooses to approach problems at work. I sometimes get frustrated when my intuition is giving me insight into someone/something and he doesn't get it.
- •There are some things my husband doesn't understand about me.He doesn't understand my mood swings or why my default response to thing is to cry. He doesn't understand my love for poetry. He doesn't always understand my altruistic response or my tendency to lean toward grace over responsibility.
- •I guess the question is, are you both willing to seek to understand more than be understood?
- •I don't think I've EVER had a relationship (romantic, friendship, family, professional, whatever) where I understood someone completely. People are too interesting and too much of a mystery for that.That is both the frustrating and exciting part.
- •I think marriage is more fun because we are always learning new things about each other, both related and unrelated to our personality types.
- •If you ARE with someone long term, you will both (hopefully!) change over time, so I think that to understand someone completely is maybe an impossible goal.
- •So, here's the thing: to UNDERSTAND someone fully is not the same as LOVING them fully.Is he willing to care for you? Is he willing to do the hard work of communicating patiently and openly when those misunderstandings do happen?
- •Just my two cents. Hope that helps!! 😘