THE TEN STAGES OF WEIGHT GAIN

You've suddenly gotten fat...and deep down you know it
  1. 1. Okay, you know you gained a few. You figure you're the only one who'd notice. This delusion is a relic of being told by your mother that the only person who'd notice that volcano of a pimple of your forehead is you. This mantra got you through middle school and you apply it here now, against your better judgement, because carbs are delicious.
  2. 2. You're caught off guard every time you look at your own lap. Is it the lighting? The angle? The Lord your God telling you it's finally time to retire those short shorts? Oh wait, you're just bloated. Nothing a few days off the sauce can't fix.
  3. 3. Who replaced every store front window with fun house glass? No, really, who? You walk by any reflective surface and several seconds later your ass follows suit. Clearly you're the victim of some elaborate game of visual trickery.
  4. 4. Things don't fit. To be fair, they've been in the wash. The pants in question smell like you slept under a bridge while wearing them, but nevermind that. They're fresh and clean (and tight from the dryer).
  5. 5. You buy new pants. This falls under the “acceptance” phase of a death in the family, only if you’re a red blooded American woman, it feels worse than an actual death.
  6. 6. You can bench press your boyfriend. In fact, you’re dwarfing all men in pictures with you, despite the fact that you’re crossing your legs, standing sideways, and giving the camera “skinny arm.” And also you don't actually have a boyfriend to bench press because you can't even fit into your new, big jeans anymore.
  7. 7. Black guys want you. Which is to say that you're white and that white guys used to like you and now the only men interested in you are named Dwayne. This is flattering, you consider, as you admire your newly formed shelf ass, but then you remember that genetically speaking you're not supposed to have an ass that can support a breakfast tray.
  8. 7. Working out is da bomb. You do a couple kick boxing classes and feel energized and amazing. You’re happy you’ve gained this weight because it gives you a chance to garner “real results.” Luckily you can still eat dessert at every meal because you’re burning it off with your new kickboxing coach. Who thinks you’re hot. Because he’s black.
  9. 8. You’re still fat. But that weird, thick fat where you’re ass is high and tight but a foot farther out then it normally is. And your neck? Something has clearly gone wrong there too. Do you have meat head neck? And then it dawns on you…are you bulking up? Too late, sir necks-a-lot. You’re fucking neck needs its own zip code.
  10. 9. You’re starving. That sad, sad realization that just because you’ve done a bootcamp, a yoga class, and a jog you still can’t eat carbs at every meal. The double sad realization that this is because you’re old.
  11. 10. You'll be starving for quite some time. The triple sad realization that you’ve done way more damage than you thought possible and that this will take you months to lose. You’ll start tomorrow. Or the day after. And what you’ll start is a starvation diet that is your only option. (New list on this to follow)
  12. 11. But wait, if I quit dairy can I still eat carbs?