THINGS BEST NOT TO SAY AT CHILL SOCIAL GATHERINGS

If we want to tell you, we'll bring it up. Compiled with some help from my besties.
  1. "How are YOU still single?"
    I know you're trying to be helpful and supportive but all I hear is "what is wrong with you?"
  2. "When are you two going to get married?!?"
    Whenever we damn well decide and we'll tell you when we do and maybe you'll be invited IF YOU STOP ASKING
  3. "When are you guys going to start trying for a baby?"
    How is that any of your damn business, especially at this chill social gathering? If I wanted to tell you about it or thought it was appropriate I'd bring it up.
  4. "Oh congrats. Was the pregnancy planned?!!"
    HOW IS THAT YOUR BUSINESSSSSS? It is surprising to me how many of my preggers friends have been asked this like its NBD by acquaintances and strangers alike.
  5. "So, then, like, what do you do for your real job/money/?"
    Surprising how often some version of this this gets asked of creative professionals. I MAKE ART FOR MONEY. And even if art was my side hustle, and I really wanted to talk about a support job that paid the bills, I would've mentioned it earlier when you asked me what I did. Also I just met you, I'm not talking finances with you. I need another glass of wine.
  6. "Oh I could never do that! How interesting!"
    Not a question and you probably mean well but it just sounds like "judgement judgey judgement judgerson judgetime" YES I'm making some bold moves and taking some risks but in the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi IT'S MY LIFE don't make me feel bad about my choices when we've just met! Skip the first part, just skip to the "how interesting!"