Ones I've won.
  1. A certificate for coming runner up in a playwriting contest
    There were two playwrights in my grad school program: you do the math.
  2. A ribbon for winning the DARE drawing contest when I was in the first grade
    I drew some dinosaurs in crayon and had the slogan "don't become extinct. Don't do drugs!" The teachers thought I was a genius because I correctly spelt extinct.
  3. A plaque and a year's supply of cheese for coming runner up in the cheesiest couple contest at the National Buffalo Wing festival in 2010
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    The best part was that by all accounts we were not a cheesy couple; we didn't do anything overtly cute or cuddly. Friends even openly doubted us-- wait, actually the free cheese was the best part. Obviously.
  4. A sculpture of my cat for winning a pet costume contest
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    That's right, my most cherished award was actually won by my cat. She still hates me for putting her in the hat.