HOW NOT TO PICK APPLES: A GUIDE FOR ANGELENOS SEEKING A LITTLE BIT OF AUTUMN NEARBY

@hellenharty and I tried to pick some apples today with a few more friends, and we didn't pick one goddamn apple. NOT ONE. Here's how to replicate our day.
  1. 7:30 am - plan on leaving LA at this time so you can get to the orchard when it opens
  2. 8 am - actually leave LA
  3. 9:45 am - arrive at the apple orchard
  4. 10 am - eat some mini-apple cider donuts
  5. 10:10 am - see a sign that says no apple picking today
    That's cool: there are more orchards!
  6. 10:45 am - check out some sheep at the second orchard
  7. 11 am - see a woman in colonial clothing yell at some six year olds
  8. 11:15 am - ask about picking apples. Get told that only happens on Saturdays. And have the woman tell you you can pick pears, pumpkins, or flowers.
  9. 11:16 am - 😕😐😒😢😟
    No one in the group is into that
  10. 11:30 am - watch a guy in colonial clothing demonstrate how to press cider while yelling at first graders to "be silent" and "raise your hand" and "the privy is uphill"
  11. 12 pm - have some BBQ at the third orchard of the day
  12. 12:15 pm - ask a guy wearing a pot on his head and no shoes about picking apples
  13. 12:16 pm - the guy with the pot on his head and no shoes tells you the orchard has been picked clean. They've all been picked clean. In fact, there are no apples to pick in all of Oak Glen
  14. 12:16:45 pm - the guy with a pot on his head and no shoes leaves
  15. 12:17 pm - disappointment all around 😫😭😳😟 and some anger too 😠
    I was the angry one
  16. 12:20 pm - get in the car and discuss if that guy was even an employee or just a weirdo with a pot on his head and no shoes
  17. 12:30 pm - resign yourselves to petting animals instead of picking apples at the fourth orchard
  18. a dog
  19. a cat
  20. A sleepy bird
  21. pretend you don't want to pet the cat, but pet it as soon as your friend puts her phone away
  22. 2pm - try one last orchard to see if the guy with a pot on his head and no shoes was lying
  23. 2:30 pm - find out he wasn't
  24. 2:31 pm - finally give up on picking apples
  25. 2:35 pm - burn down the entire town and vow to never eat an apple again.
  26. 5:00 pm - arrive in back home in Los Angeles