SOMETIMES BEING SINGLE IS ANNOYING
Most of the time being single is great, but sometimes it's a pain in the butt. These are those times.
- •When you get a plus one to an eventThe natural reaction for me is to invite a friend, but this gets tricky when they'll all coupled. I usually invite the one I think will be most interested in the event. And inevitably he/she asks if his/her boyfriend can come too, and then I have to explain what a plus one is. Or I get his/her boyfriend in & seem like a douchebag because I'm rolling up with an entourage. Plus I have to play third wheel. "Oh who are you with?" "This is my friend and this is their boyfriend. Not mine. I'm single."
- •When you want to go to a concert, or sporting event, or amusement park and your friends hate the music you like (country), or you're too embarrassed to say you want to go see professional frisbee so you don't even invite them, or your friends don't have money for roller coastersHaving a boyfriend is great in these situations because he will feel obligated to go to these sorts of things even if he has no interest in them because he is interested in you and cares about what you like (or at the very least because you're having sex with him: everyone likes sex and it's good to keep your partner satisfied). Plus while going to a museum/play/restaurant/park alone is very comfortable, going to any of the above is not: those roller coasters seat two, I need a ride buddy!
- •When your coupled friends start having couples parties, and they still invite youHey guys, I love you and all, but I'm really fine not going to these things. Being the "I" in a room full of "We's" doesn't appeal to me. I'm okay not being the 5th, 7th, or 9th wheel. I won't be offended, I swear! Spare tire status doesn't suit me and I swear to God, if another one of you kisses your significant other in front of me I'll burn this place down.
- •When people start playing matchmaker, and ambush you with potential partners.Guys, I'm not lonely and miserable! I don't need you to set me up because I'm incapable of setting myself up. There are a ton of apps and bars I could go to: I'm too lazy and I don't care enough to about it. So please, please, please don't just randomly have some dude I've never heard you mention before happen to show up to some place we're at. This dude doesn't like Michael's Crafts, I know that. It's so transparent, and I'm going to hate him on principle because of this.
- •At weddingsGoing with a friend is nice, but inevitably because of the nature of this thing, people start to ask if you're seeing anyone. "So," it always starts with so, "are you seeing anyone." Making up a fake boyfriend who couldn't come for whatever kind of emergency he had for his important job (because he has one of those), or claiming your gay friend is your boyfriend becomes easier than dealing with the advice/sad looks/setups that follow saying, "Nope. Not seeing anyone. I'm single."
- •When you get hit on anywhereThe last time this happened I was at the grocery store buying hot sauce for the bloody Mary's I was going to make. I made up a fake boyfriend on the spot, but having a boyfriend there with me would have either prevented this from happening, or made the guy scurry away in embarrassment immediately after seeing the gorgeous 6' tattooed hunk I was with (this is my fake boyfriend, his name is Eddie.)
- •When you have to list an emergency contactLook, I'll put my parents, but they live 3,000 miles away so that's not really great in an emergency. I have a few close friends I can put, but if something happened telling your boss, "My friend was in an accident I have to go" doesn't seem to carry as much weight as, "My girlfriend/life partner/love of my life was in an accident I have to go!" This is society's fault: we value Eros over Philia. And it sucks (mainly because I'm single, if I had a boyfriend I'd give zero shits about this).
- •When you're hornyOBVIOUSLY