THAT'S NOT MY NAME (A MAJOR PET PEEVE)

My name is Lindsey. It's common, but not so common that I ever needed to be Lindsey E in school. None of these are my name. But I've been called them.
  1. Ellie
    My initials are L.E. and my roommate thought this was cute so he took to calling me "Ellie". Guess what has just as many syllables? My actual freakin' name. We're no longer friends and this was definitely a contributing factor.
  2. Princess Esplin
    Ever seen "Role Models?" Well there's a character in it whose fantasy character (I have no clue what kind of dungeons and dragon shit they play in it and I refuse to rewatch it) is named Princess Esplin. A coworker was a BIG fan of that movie and squealed with delight when she found out what my last name is. She's called me this ever since. I hate her. I hate "Role Models." And I even hate Paul Rudd (previously considered a dreamboat) because he's in that movie so it's partially his fault.
  3. Lindz
    This was a childhood nickname so it doesn't completely make me want to vom-scream at whoever says it. Except when my coworkers call me this and drag it out like whiney preschoolers. "Liiiiiiinndz" ugh, stop! Go to timeout in hell!
  4. Esplin
    My last name, really? We're not on a football/soccer/any sports team so how about you call me by my first name? For some reason even though I'm the only Lindsey at my company my superiors will call me Esplin like we're in some goddamn frat and I'm their little brother they're lovingly razzing. I keep waiting to get paddled when I'm lining up for lunch.
  5. Lindsay
    Jesus Christ, if I send you an email from my email address that has my name in it, and the email has a signature with my name in it you had better spell it correctly when you reply. It's e-y, not a-y, dumbass. This happens all the damn time, and makes me want to Trojan horse the emailer. Or bomb them.
  6. Lynn
    No. Just no. An ex of mine would call me Lynn. He's buried in the woods near Waterbury, CT.
  7. Babe/Sweetie/Monkey/Any & All Pet Names
    I'll go mortal kombat on you and rip off your face then projectile vomit on your exposed skull. FATALITY