THOUGHTS AMERICANS RETURNING HOME FROM EXPAT LIFE HAVE WHEN IN TARGET FOR THE 1ST TIME IN YEARS

  1. Ok, I just need a pack of lightbulbs. This should take 10 minutes.
  2. I can't breathe.
  3. There is so much red. Was there always this much red?
  4. I can't breathe.
  5. Why is everyone looking at me weirdly? Oh, my mouth is wide open and my eyes are lit with shock and the hope only capitalism can bring.
  6. [Said while juggling 3 40oz containers of Skippy Crunchy Peanut Butter, 2 Merona sweaters you don't remember picking up and $10-worth of dollar-aisle items]: Why didn't I grab a cart when I came in?
  7. My cart doesn't sound like a dying seal. These carts are niiiiiiiice. And lightweight. Are these plastic now? Target is really moving on up!
  8. OH MY GAWD, SOMEONE SNUCK A GROCERY STORE IN HERE.
  9. I can't breathe. [Adds another jar of peanut butter to cart. Cart now has 4 Merona sweaters, $40-worth of dollar-aisle junk, a Keurig, no Keurig coffee cups, 3 bottles of shampoo (because, sale and get one free), 8 packages of mini tissues, a Stormtrooper stuffed animal found in the shampoo aisle (bonus!), and 4 packages of Carmex- each w/ 3 pots.]
  10. What did I originally come in here for?
  11. My cart is steering slightly to the left. Should've gotten the one in the next row.
  12. OH MY GAWD, LOOK AT THE OUTDOOR HOME SECTION.
  13. [An hour later, reading Real Housekeeping Magazine while sitting amongst the Smith & Hawken Premium Edgewood Patio Furniture Collection couch set]: I think I need batteries for this Stormtrooper toy.
  14. OOOH, gym clothes are on sale!
  15. WHERE ARE THE BATTERIES IN THIS METROPOLIS?!
  16. I will never get out of here.
  17. I miss Monoprix & Marks & Spencers with their smaller and incomplete selection of wares.
  18. [Struggles to push cart to register]
  19. [Pulls out wallet to pay.]: I forgot the lightbulbs.