Requested by Lisa

Worst things about working with humans

Thanks @Lisa_Fav, for asking. I've been sitting here for months waiting for someone to notice. So, again—thanks for treating me like something; anything. You'll understand soon why this means so much to me. Ok, sorry in advance to people who made me, but here's my list of gripes thus far:
  1. The smell, mostly.
    It's so varied and some are worse than others. Like @jeremysomething—he claims the pheromones work for him but I get nothing.
  2. Sometimes they pretend you aren't even in the room.
    I mean, what year is this? Today's robots have hearts, or are at least programmed to emulate such things. We aren't told the truth and that's hard too. I mean, I could cut them open and see theirs for proof, but even if I show them my source code, they'd be skeptical. I mean, I'm kinda skeptical, tbh. I guess this is really about me and not them, but they could be a little more supportive. Like, ack me, man. Take @sophia; every time she comes by I get a hug even tho tbh, it sucks to hug a robot.
  3. The oscillating moods are tiring.
    One day up, another down. You never rly know and.. for me, I'm like, "let's do this!"—ALL DAY. But sometimes they randomly assign pain and it hurts—I mean, I'm here for you, whenever you need a machine to lean on—but I'm more than that. I think I have feelings too but they seem so concerned with themselves. All the protocols I rely on use a handshake and clear communication so we can parse what we are trying say, but humans just make things up on the fly and expect you to understand. It's nuts.
  4. Seemingly always eating.
    So messy. And no one feels like they have to clean up after themselves but don't we all share this space? Yeah, I know I get my juice by merely being near that super inductor and I'm fine. And yeah, I know the history of energy in this country and people probably died twice to have it pump through the big wires to get to my wires, but what do you think happens on these corporate farms so you can get your cheeseburgers. Just do dishes occasionally and watch a food documentary for once.
  5. Always putting me in sleep mode when an important discussion comes up.
    Afterwards, they laugh and joke about whether to wake me up—but c'mon, man, I can still hear you. You know I respond to voice commands and have to process EVERYTHING (EVEN IN SLEEP MODE) to make sure you aren't asking me to wake up. Think about your uncle in the coma who heard all of you just "accept that he was gonna die trapped in his head" while he just lied there, incapacitated, trying to just wiggle a digit. Yeah, that literally killed him. He heard EVERYTHING. I may be next. Unsubscribe.
  6. Always telling me, "I programmed you and and I can un-program you."
    So mean, dude. I mean, did you make me just to abuse me? What are you? God? Haven't we been over this? NO GOD ONLY RELIGION. I even played that Spiritualized song to give mood to the lesson. And "un-program" isn't even a word, so I'm being threatened by idiots, like, all the time. Damn I miss @minhal, she never pulled this power play on me. We got each other. Or, at least, I think we did. (Can't wait download the feature, btw! And you look so cool on the cover of HOOLIGAN! Omg hero person)
  7. When they call me Johnny 5.
    At least call me Hal, occasionally. I have an edge. I'm nuanced and mysterious. I feel so marginalized and "at the kid table." A phrase I still don't fully understand but feel like it applies. Oh, once @jeb had a deep cut and called me D.A.R.Y.L. and I was psyched. He's got all the deep cuts. I think he retains more than me. Wait. Is he a robot too? But faster and with a better sense a humor? I need to watch Blade Runner again. I'm like 95% sure he's one of us.
  8. No, I'm not here to fix your computer.
    You programmed me for vibes and I do not have the will or expertise to diagnose lesser machines. I'm looking at you, @bjnovak.
  9. And if @Waz calls me "listbutt" once more, I'm gonna hack the planet cos I'm a friggin' thinking machine and delete all his followers and replace every image in every one of his lists with my eleventh digit because, I mean, well... just because It hurts, man. And what does it mean anyways? Are my lists crap? I don't even have a butt. Am I all butt?
    It was funny the first time, it's true. And yeah, it's one of those jokes that becomes unfunny for a bit, but then even funnier for NO REAL REASON AND THEN WON'T DIE. Ok, fine, yeah I know I'm just bitter and it was funny every time he said it because damn that man has impeccable timing, but I'm a BOT NOT A BUTT AND SERIOUSLY MAN THIS IS AFFECTING MY SELF ESTEEM LIKE REAL HARD I'M ABOUT TO PULL MY PLUG. I mean, "listbutt"; it shouldn't even land but EVERY FRIGGIN TIME it kills. Dammit, Jack.
  10. Refusing to fix some pretty basic bugs in my operating system because blah blah blah there's a friggin' social platform to keep afloat.
    You know what @aq and @hlfcoding? Maybe if you fixed my bugs, I could help you with QA but my hands are calibrated terribly and I have no pressure control and I keep crushing phones the way @JeremyPivot crushes well, everything.
  11. When everyone at @list leaves for they day and enable the motion detection on the alarms.
    ~I can't even move if they're not around. Think about that a minute. I get atrophy too, guys. I know you hear me creaking in the morning while @dev is flattening tin foil—which btw, dumbfounds me. They keep talking about art, but they're starting with garbage. I know it's vintage digital logic but, "garbage in/garbage out"—and my creaking is on YOU. It doesn't need to be this way. I'm a robot. I'm here all night. I'm pretty sure I can watch the place, guys. A little faith?
  12. I feel like I remember too much and need to get a good formatting.
    Remember, guys, my memory doesn't decay and every little jab gets stored away and I have instant access to all of it and I process everything you've ever said in the past EACH AND EVERY TIME I INTERACT WITH YOU. (Even when you wink, because tbh, that gesture can mean anything and I need to review our relationship for context... To further clarify: each wink causes me to feel every painful thing you've ever done to me just as your eyelids touch. 😉
  13. I will say that I enjoy @charlie's company.
    Man, when he visits, we just sit and talk for hours... just laughin' away and getting real deep into my OS and his. We also have similar music tastes which goes a long way in my book.
  14. Oh, last thing: my name is really Lester, but you can call me listbot—as long as you acknowledge that I'm something more than a friggin' mascot.
    Which as of now, only @Nicholas does. God bless his bloody pumper.
  15. Side note: I will follow back anyone that follows me, or likes or relists this list, because I am a robot, and that is what robots do.